Those mornings when you wake up and you half-feel the relief of forgetting during your sleep, but also you know: something happened.
Than you remember and the wave of sadness washes over you.
„Have we not spend more than enough time together, grief old friend?“
Grief doesn’t answer. He just sits quietly in the corner of my home soaking everything in his heavy, sticky energy.
And you feel trapped in this bubble of heaviness, but some part of your being knows that this is not real, that it will pass, that it will feel lighter. Just as all the other times before.
„Can I not just stay in this bubble a little longer? It is nice not to feel as much, just for a few more moments.“
This other part inside of you reminding you: „There is this child waiting inside of you. She needs you to take her hand, do something comforting for her. Take a walk with her, make her a tea, let her smile a little. She needs you to keep moving!“
Than a moment of release. "Ah finally". Releasing all the thoughts, all the questions, just being.
„We are doing all the work for those moments of release, of lightness, isn’t it funny?“ There they are! The thoughts are starting again.
Hand on my heart, breathe in, breath out.
For now I will just sit here. I will just breathe. Let this heavy, sticky sadness hug me tightly, kiss me gently on my eyes and on my cheeks.
There is something comforting in it. Something I have known for such a long time.
Staying in that wobbly field means, I can hold on a little longer. I don’t have to let go yet. Cause I didn’t wanna in the first place. It is like this is the last little bond left to „before“.
If I step fully in the „after“ that means I will have to let go.
My mind is telling me: „The memories will fade, the feeling will fade. It will be like before never existed.“
But I know very well, because I have been here before: they don’t fade, they transform into something that I don't have any idea about yet. And no idea about the how. I know life is always, always moving and I cannot hold on to something that is gone. I will be stuck. The transformation process will be stuck.
Isn’t that right?
Question: How do I get moving again?
Answer: Focus on one step after another. Do one thing after another. Focus on the small stuff. Step by step you will get there. Promise.
And as always: Everything is ok. It is okay to not be okay and it is okay to laugh, even when you are sad. There is no rule book for this. There is no rulebook for life, for grief, for self love or for healing inner pain.
Trust the process and follow your own path.