Aktualisiert: 22. Dez. 2021
So the other day I was doing my Yoga session, „ a class that’s meant to hold us.“ and here is what happens:
I See this young little child, absolutely intimidated, fearful, guilty holding her hands protective in front of her little body, looking at me with her big eyes and I think to myself: „gosh, what are you doing? You keep terrorizing this child with your words, like a whip, over and over. Is it still not enough yet? What did SHE do to anyone?“
Anger. Anger has served me so much in my life. It pushed me forward, when I was to exhausted to even get up. It motivated me to draw lines. Boundaries.
So I have set strict boundaries with a couple of people, who did not respect my NO and who kept attacking and attacking me.
Of course not because of me, but because they are in a bad place and they just keep shooting.
But something wasn’t feeling right. And though I knew, I needed to do this to protect myself in the back of my mind was this…. guilt.
Suddenly it clicked.
Of course I was feeling guilty. In a society that raised me to „serve“ others, to be a „good girl“.
„Always have a meal ready, when your husband comes home.“
„Well darling, I love you, but you ARE a little to moody, you just have to learn to keep your mouth shut sometimes.“
„You have to forgive.“
„You have to learn to be patient.“
„You have to expect always the worst of people.“
„You have to be independent.“
„You have to follow what I tell you, because I am the head of the family.“
„Stop crying now, you will hurt your beautiful eyes.“
Anger helped me to draw a line. To see, that all THIS is not, what I want to think, what I want to create in my life.
But what I overlooked the whole time was:
My focus, was still the other people.
I allowed myself to draw the line and at the same time I would still hear this voices in my head.
How dare I, to disobey. Who do I think I am. What an egoistic idea, to break formation.
The moment I saw her. The little one. The moment I really saw her. All that anger fell off of me.
I used to be angry, because they raise us into abusive relationships. Humans dont see each other as humans, they treat each other like things, that they are allowed to use to get somewhere.
Parents use their children, to follow a path, that maybe they the parents wanted to follow and now they think it is the right one for the child. Not because it IS the right one, but because it will have the parents worry less about their childrens future, or because it will have the parents look better, or because it will just leave the parents in control. Being out of control feels just to uncomfortable, and who wants that anyway?
Couples will stick to their agreement of being their mutual punching ball for stress, fear, sexual needs. Being there, so they never have to feel alone - as if that really works - but anyway.
Companies using their employees for more profit. Power seekers using followers to feel more powerful. The list goes on and on and on…
When did we stop seeing each other?
When did I stop seeing me, the little me? And when did I decide, that the important focus to look at are the others? To weight in my head what an impact my word, my actions might have - on the others, but what is with the little one inside of me?
I am putting my anger down. Today.
Because I really dont want to scare her anymore.
When she sees me angry, she really gets scared. Scared of this world or even scared of something unknown.
I want her to trust and to see the beauty in everything. That is the life I want for her.
I want her to smile. To blossom like a beautiful flower. She deserves that.
EVERYONE of us deserves that.
And yes, I will not read those 14 Texmessages in my inbox. The little one does not deserve another unkind word to touch her ears.
When she is sleeping calm and cosy, maybe I will read them, maybe I won’t.
And no, I do not feel guilty anymore. That vulnerable part inside of me is my focus. I want to be loving and gentle with her.
Thank you for taking care of your little one.
This really makes a huge difference!
I wish you all the best on your journey.
We are all doing our best. Moment by moment.
Be kind to yourself.